Every Chad Ever: Part 1 – SNL


-That boy is our last hope -I do not read a boy. I insure a warrior. -Ha ha! Look. -Oh, utterance?[ Music continues indistinctlyover headphones] -Chad! Chad! -Oh .[ Music stops] What up, Miss Handler?[ Vacuum stops] Hey. -Oh, my God. Chad — No , no, Chad.We can’t do this anymore. -Oh, okay. -Wait. -I couldn’t sleep last night -Oh, I detest that.-What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who’s having an affairwith her 23 -year-old pool boy? I make, what is this? -Your kitchen. -No, I want us.I actually hope you understandbut we have to end this. -Okay. -God, I had no ideait would be this hard. It’s just when at first –[ Vacuum starts] Chad! -What up? -You deserve written explanations! -Oh, okay, cool.[ Vacuum stops] -Look, you’ve donenothing wrong, okay? I should have known betterbut I don’t know, it was just — it was fun. It was new. -Okay.-But, my God. I’m a married womanwith three children. My husband’s onthe city council. I’m the PTA presidentat Melanie’s institution. -Who’s Melanie? -My daughter. -Okay. -God, if this got out, it would just ruin my life our family’s lives.-Aw.My bad. -But, God, all I want you to dis clear the bags off this table and take me right now. -Okay. -But you can’t.-Oh, okay. -Because I’ve learned thatsometimes get what the hell are you wan conveys losingwhat you already have. Look, I — I wrote thisfor you last night. -Oh, okay. -Oh, my God, I’m blushing. I only want you to know I’m noa very good writer, okay? And, I mean, it’s not advanced, but it’s how I feel. I merely — I represent every wor of what I wrote. -Whoa! Hey, Miss Handler! I noticed a dead squirrelin your fund![ Chuckles] -Bye, Chad.[ Lawnmower starts] Hello? -What up? -Where’s Phillip? -Oh, my uncle exactly hired me.I’m gonna be doingyour house now. I’m Toby. -I’m gonna[ bleep] that kid. -No, that’s alright. I-I do think that iswhat Descartes intended. For instance, people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, hence, you and I … -Exist? -Congratulations. You precisely usedyour first Cartesian logic -Okay. -You know, I do hope youcontinue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our trips. -Okay. No, thanks. -Oh, help. No. I-I’m so sorry. That was unbelievablyinappropriate behavior, Chad I … I defend. I time –I-I-I misread the moment. -Okay. -See, I mistookyour frequent trips now to intend … something more. -Aw. My bad. -No, it’s…not your omission at all. Truth be told, I’ve notbeen myself of late.And this weekend, I … I’m getting marriedto a beautiful young lady. -Oh, congrats. -And hitherto, I feel nothing, Chad Nothing! -Okay. -Oh, but that doesn’t matter because it’s all a partof Daddy’s master plan. You know, marry the rich girfrom Newport, become a professorand achieve tenure by 40. God forbidthe great Leonard Buckley’s so should feel the loveof another man![ Globe smashes] -Oh , no, your world. -I was drawn to you, Chad, because, truth be told, I jealousy you.You’re a man who lives his liffree from doubt and annoy. I want to be you, Chad. -Okay. -Oh, my word.This is so feeble. Look at me, I’m a 28 time olprofessor’s assistant, spouting my soul outto a sophomore’s student. Am I standing you? -Kind of. -Ugh. You can, of course, leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my rambles, though I have to admit, having an ear to bend makea welcomed respite fro–[ Door closes] Chad? Chad ?! Chad? -What up? -Would you knowledge skatingback here for a moment? There’s something elseI wanted to say to you. -Oh, okay. -Chad, you overstepped it. -Oh, my bad. -Chad, I are looking forward to forge about my brief shortcoming of self-control today.-Okay. -I truly hope that my actionhaven’t defiled our friendship -[ Chuckles] “Taint.” -And lastly, Chad, I’d like to thank you because today, you schooled me For a brief moment, I wasn’t a spectator to my own life.I was living it. -[ Farts] Safety. -[ Chuckles] -You’re right, Chad.I should chortle more. Anyway … I’d appreciate it if you kepwhat happened between us today a secret.-Okay. -Hey, Chad. What the hell? What’s taking so long? -Oh, I’m sorry.Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me -Okay.Are you hungry? -Uh-huh. -Oh, you’re so right, Chad I shouldn’t retain my secretin the dark. Thank you, Chad.[ Laughter] Thank you.[ Video game tone impacts][ Humming][ Laughter] -Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrivefrom another shore and free our worldfrom the control of darkness. What is your delivery name? -Chad. -The Dark Lord Azerhanand his Army of Shadows has entombed our worldin ice and snow. -Only you can defeat him, Chad-Okay.-We must inform the queenof your appearance. -No need. I felt his spirit. -[ Chuckles] -I am Queen Chrysalis, governor of Etheria and the nine creeks from Stark to Everseed.-Okay. -There was a timewhen these meadows bloomed and there is hopethey may bloom again, for today differentiates your coming. -Heh heh. “Coming.”-You are the savior of Etheria So says the prophecy! -So says the prophecy! -Okay. -But you must undertakea risky passage. You may return to your worldat any time if you hope. The hand-picked is yours. But be cautioned. -He left.-What? Go. -My liege.-Yes. -Chad … why did you leave? -I was digested. -Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done. -Okay. -Thank you, Chad. You have chosento follow your destiny. -First, you must climb the Mountain of Despair.-Okay. -Then ford the River of Flame.-Okay. -And subsist the Forestof Translucent Transgressions. -And after the cloak of eviis face-lift, you will become King, and I will gift with youmy virginity. -Dope.[ Laughter] -After your journeying. -Oh. Okay. -To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.-From theOrder of the Centauri, I present you withthis planned to guide you. Thousands of my genu died beyondthe mountains to create it May they rest with the gods.[ Wind gales ][ Laughter] -And fromthe Kingdom of Dwarves, I give you theCrystal of Gumligin to glowing your path.[ Twinkle!] -Gay. -And from the Elven Council, the swordof the great warrior Ashton. -Safe hastens, young fighter May the great divinities sanctify you -Okay. -That son is our last hope -I do not insure a boy. I participate a warrior. -Ha ha! Look![ Laughter] -Heh. It’s like his swordis his penis. Very clever. -Okay. -Going formerly, exiting twice. Whoa! Sold for a whopping $1,600 Congratulations to this lovelyyoung lady at table six. You have won breakfastand a private tennis lesso with our head instructor, Brandon.-[ Chuckles] Heads up, I’m gonna stir you sweat. -At breakfast? -No. The tennis lesson. -Okay, you two go insure Danato set that appointment. $1,600 is the biggest takeso far in our Orange Park AcresTennis Club Bachelor Auction Remember, all proceedsfrom tonight go to our club’s youthtraveling squad. So hinder those dictations coming. Our next tennis club bacheloworks at the Club Pro Shop It’s Chad.Uh, you may know Chadfrom vaping in the parking lot You are entreat ona lunch with Chad. So we’ll start the bidding at, I don’t know, 50 horses. Sound good, Chad? -Okay. -Alright, do I sounds $50? -Oh, my God. There’s somethingabout that son. $50! – $100. – $500. – $1,000. -Wow, uh, Chad’s a reach. Anything to keepthose dictations coming, soul? You got any hiddentalents, Chad? -Uh, I-I made up a dance calle”The Doink Doink.” -Alright, let’s see it. -Okay. Doink, doink Doink, doink Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink Whoo! -Oh, my God. “The Doink Doink” is amazing -Yes. We have sees, Sylvia – $5,000. -Oh, ordinary Cecile. Jump in when the action’s hot. – $10,000, and I’ll raisemyself to $15,000. I must have the Doink Doink. -Go home, ladies! Patty’s come to play. 30,000 damn dollars! – $50,000, and that’s a agreement. -Look, I am willingto go to six representations, but I need more. What else does Chadbring to the table? -Uh, any other aptitudes, Chad -Uh, I-I could do an impressioof Jim Carrey as the Grinch. -Oh, Jesus Christ.This home is going to explode – $100,000. I don’t even need to hear it -What if it’s not good? -Of course it’ll be good.It’s Chad, you cow! -Just shut up.All of you. Let Chad work.-Okay, uh … this is whenhe’s talking to his pup.[ As Jim Carrey] “Tomorrow is Christmas. It’s practically here! ” – $500,000. – $600,000. That resonated exactlylike the Grinch! – $700,000, and I didn’t even see”The Grinch.” -I feel like I’m inthe Upside Down right now. Chad’s Grinch impressiontook us to 700 majestic. Anything else you’re hidinfrom us, Chad? -Oh, uh, I can do a magic trick. -It’s pointless, noblewomen. There’s a conclude you all call me”Richy Bitch” behind my back I get what I want.-Oh, hushed, pig! Look! -Boing, boing, boing, boing! Boing, boing, boing, boing Boing, boing, boing, boing! – $10 million! – $10 million going once, twice sold to the mystery manin the amusing hair! Who are you, sir? -It doesn’t matter.What subjects is the lunchwith Chad is mine! Have the boy cleanedand taken to my hostel.[ Laughter] -Sounds various kinds of creepy.Uh, you is fine with that, Chad -Okay. -Okay. Big hand for Chad. Alright, Chad! Alright.Onto our big-ticket entry. We drew a lot of stringsto get him now. Get your checkbooks readyfor our next bachelor-at-arms, tennis fiction John McEnroe[ Cheers and applause] -How you doing? -Good.-Tell us — What are they bidding on, Mr. McEnroe? -Alright, I’m offeringa weekend stay at my estate, AKA, the Mac Shack. It includes a three-hour tennilesson from yours truly, a mixed doubleds match withAndre Agassi and Steffi Graf and, of course, unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis. -Whoa! Okay. The bad son of tennis. Maid, start that entreat[ Laughter] -What? You be kidding me. I’m John McEnroe, human! What do you dames crave? You can bring Chad along. Is this what you want? Doink, doink! Doink, doink! Doink, doink – $20 million! -Now that is more like it. -Sold for $20 million![ Applause] -Oh, oath ?.

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